Embracing Secure Attachments: The Crucial Role of Mothering and “Mothering the Mother” in Infant Well-being

“A primary caregiver needs a lot of support in the early months and years. In other words, mothers need mothering. Lack of understanding about how much support the primary caregiver needs puts both mother and child at risk. Traditionally, women would have been supported by other women from our communities however, in the modern world, we tend to live spread out and separated, and this kind of support is rare now.  A postpartum doula is one way to buffer this overwhelming period. When a mother has someone devoted to feeding her caring for other family members and doing the household chores she can focus on bonding.”

This is a segment from the book Mother Hunger. Explaining the necessity of oxytocin and bonding in infant development and the effects separation has had on mothers and children.

Believe it or not- our attachment styles can be linked to the bonding and relationship we’ve had with our mothers. Mothers who are more emotionally available, reactive, and aware are more likely to raise children and adults who have secure attachment styles. When mothers are not able to be in this space, they are more likely to raise children and adults who are avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

Just think about it- when you’ve had a stressful day or get caught up in the ever going web of life’s responsibilities it is much harder to find that space in you that has capacity for nurturing. This is because in this space is where we tap into survival mode. Universally, survival has not included emotional or mental aspects but more so the basic physical needs like food, shelter, water, etc.

Knowing this- how do we transition out of survive into thrive?

I think we’ve all heard the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup”

The Secure Nest: Mothering as a Foundation

Mamas, you are the architects of security. Your warm embrace, soothing whispers, and attentive responses create a haven for your little ones. It is within this space that infants learn to trust the world, setting the stage for healthy emotional development and secure attachment.

Society needs to enhance its understanding of how many new beings are born to a pregnant mother: one- her newborn baby(ies) and two- her new self. This new mother needs every single aspect of the same mothering that she gives her child for herself. She needs someone who is attentive to her needs, compassionate to her sleepy tearful eyes, and will meet her in the thick of one of her most vulnerable and raw moments she will ever experience in life. In this space is where we move out of survival and into our thrive.

There’s no coincidence in why postpartum support has a “mothering the mother” approach.

• Emotional Nurturing: Postpartum doulas bring a soothing touch to the emotional landscape of motherhood. Through active listening, encouragement, and a non-judgmental presence, they create a safe space for mothers to express their feelings and navigate the highs and lows of early parenthood.
• Practical Guidance: From breastfeeding support to sleep routines, postpartum doulas offer a wealth of practical knowledge. Their expertise becomes a beacon, guiding mothers through the often overwhelming journey of caring for a newborn.
• Promoting Self-Care: In the whirlwind of caring for a new life, mothers often put their well-being on the back burner. Postpartum doulas advocate for self-care, empowering mothers to prioritize their mental and physical health.
• Building Confidence: Motherhood is a journey of self-discovery, and postpartum doulas join them hand in hand to walk the journey, boosting a mother’s confidence in her instincts and abilities.

In the intricate world of parent-child connections, the significance of mothers and mothering cannot be emphasized enough. The act of mothering establishes the foundation for a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, molding the perspective through which they perceive themselves and the world. As we acknowledge the deep influence of mothering on the attachment styles of infants and children, we also acknowledge and emphasize the critical need to support and nurture mothers in their own roles as nurturers for our children.